Why doesn’t my mind have my back?
One of the questions that always came up for me was…. why doesn’t my mind have my back? Why is it feeding me all these negative thoughts?
I remember sitting in my office one night, about 3 years ago. Asking myself this very question. I was sitting in front of my computer trying to work on a project and my mind was just feeding me all these negative thoughts. I’m not good enough, I’m wasting my time, nobody is going to hire me, you’re a fraud, you have no money, no real career and so on, it was pretty bad. I didn’t understand it. My mind was, well, my own. Why would it allow me to think about these things? I was seriously in a sad state, I guess I was depressed. I think it’s a good idea for me to also mention that I was also a very heavy weed smoker and this was my vice. It allowed me to escape these thoughts and get through it. I thought it was the answer, just smoke some weed and everything would fade away.
I later learned that this was not the case, in fact, I was actually making it worse. Things got so bad, I started to have suicidal thoughts. Jer you should end it, nothing is working for you, you are simply failing and serving no purpose. This is what I would think over and over. I have never shared this with anyone (except one time with my partner, but as soon as she reacted I played like I was kidding and moved on) I did a really good job of hiding this from everyone. On the outside everything looked normal, I had a great partner, one beautiful daughter, and a son on the way, I worked from home, had great friends, went to the gym, just moved back from living out in BC, had a black lab (RIP ROCKY), love to snowboard, kiteboard, and always acted (key word here) like I had it all together.
But the problem was deep down I was dealing with a lot of pain. When I was younger about 19 – 24, I went through a lot of experiences that I never really dealt with. I will save these for another time, but the important thing here is that I hurt a lot of people including myself and never really dealt with any it. I did what I was taught to do, keep that shit inside and pretend like it never happened. Over the years, I went along with it, but deep down I knew something was just not right.
I was never really a spiritual person and really didn’t do any self-development work, but what happened next changed my life for good. After being back in Toronto for a few months I was asked to join a mastermind. At the time I had no clue what this was. But, I was so sick of feeling the way I felt inside, I was up for anything. Quickly a mastermind is a group of people coming together to serve a similar goal of helping each other grow and evolve. We worked on identifying our blocks, letting go of our past, forgiveness to yourself and others, self-care, all working towards a vision for our ideal life. At first, I was just happy to be part of something with these intentions. I knew that I needed it. Hearing other people stories also proved to be extremely helpful as I realized I was not alone in this.
It took almost 3 years for me to truly evolve and let go of everything that I was holding onto. On top of the mastermind, I went to workshops, conferences, weekend retreats, events, read books, listened to podcasts and watched all kinds of videos. I was dedicated to evolving, not just for myself but also for my family. Throughout this time as much as I was learning and working on myself I was still hanging onto a lot of the habits that I created from my past. The difference was I had learned all these new things about self-development and being positive, that I started to create a new persona for myself, one that I thought everyone around me wanted. I tried to always be this positive person and preach these positive messages. When deep down I was still hurting and still doing the same habits from before.
It wasn’t until my dog Rocky passed away that I really started to take a big look at myself and how I was showing up. I knew the truth and was ready to truly make a change. I decided to take a break from everyone and everything. I wanted to connect with myself and truly let go of everything that was holding me back.
I am happy to say that working on myself over the last 3 years, those negative thoughts about myself, about ending it, all went away. Over time they simply disappeared and I now have a new outlook on life and my purpose. Healing myself and letting go of everything allowed me to make room for new people and experiences in my life. It has allowed me to find a new purpose and my mind, now has my back! It now pushes me through the fear and talks me into doing the things I want to do. Even when those old emotions and habits pop up (and they still do) it fights for me instead of against me.
I believe we are all one and that we should support each other any way we can. I was lucky enough to find the support I needed and now want to give back by supporting others. This is my first journal entry of many and I plan to share my story with the hopes of supporting at least one person out there. Please, if you are stuck or lost or depressed, reach out to any one of us on this website we will listen and be here for you.